Saturday, May 31, 2008
I'm down to exactly one month (30 days) until my PAO at Duke. Nervous doesn't begin to describe how I'm feeling. I'm struggling with the concept of loss of independence. I'm busy trying to get the house ready. I just purchased my "hip kit" and shower transfer bench. It's starting to sink in now. I was doing okay when I was preparing for my trip to Disney world. I was so looking forward to the trip and the whole time I was down there I was totally relaxed and not worried. I didn't even get a wheelchair!!! I've come back from Disney world and now I'm a nervous wreck. The doctor gave me some Valium, but I haven't taken any. I guess tonight will be a good night to take something. I wish that it was sooner so I could go ahead and get it over with. I hate stewing over it. I guess I've made it one month already, I can make it another month. My trip helped my mental state so much it's ridiculous. I wish I could take another trip after the surgery to relax me again. I'm going to add pictures to my albums soon so check out my pre-PAO trip to Disney world. Me and my family went on a fireworks cruise at Disney and he asked were we celebrating any special occasion and I told him yes, pre-hip surgery!!! I'm hurting really bad today. I didn't know that sitting in a movie theater for 2 1/2 hours would make it hurt, but I guess the angle is what killed me. I'm going to go finish dinner now. I hope all you fellow PAOers are doing well.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Well it's the end of a very hectic day in which I'm glad it's almost over. I have been prescribed some Valium for my nerves due to the apprehension of my surgery. I've taken one but need to take one tonight. Today has been hard. I bounce from being in an optimistic mood about the whole thing (PAO) to being not able to handle anything. My job is a lot more stressful than anyone can understand. Between the job and things going on at home one minute I want to be put under just to escape everything. The next I want to run and scream so I don't have to go under. I wonder if anyone else that has this experiences such emotional mood changes? I'm so scared. Last night the dog (Lady the basset hound) went out 3 times. THREE TIMES. I got up all 3 times. Who will let her out when I don't even know if I can get out of bed? My husband will if I wake him. How will everything get done? I know my mom keeps telling me to relax and it'll get taken care of, but how to you stop your brain from thinking. The cat liter box needs to be cleaned, because he'll meow at me if it's not clean enough. How do you put your busy life on hold? I guess if I don't though the pain won't stop. I hate the aggravating pain. I can't lay on my right side. It constantly feels like a stretched rubber band that is stretched too far and is throbbing. I know this whole post is nothing but rambling, but I feel it needs to come out. I am going to Disney World in 2 days and can't tell you how much I hope it's therapeutic more than a vacation, but all I can think about is the wheelchair. I have to rent a wheelchair. I can't walk that far and my doctor told me to rent one to save what cartilage I have left. I DON'T want a wheelchair. It's a burden for me and my family. I don't want to be pushed around. I want to walk like normal, but I can't because the pain will put me to bed for a day. I hate this. I just absolutely hate this. I was looking forward to starting a family with my husband and now I have to do this. I know it's selfish to think this way, but I'm so frustrated and sad. Sorry about all the rambling....