Sunday, August 10, 2008

So Sad

I didn't realize how sad after surgery could make you. I know I should be thankful that I'm healing well. And healing with no complications (the impaction & no sleep are long gone memories). It's been almost 6 weeks. Still unable to bear anymore than 30lbs and I'm miserable. I'm so sad. I sit around and think of all things not good. I was once diagnosed with depression and on meds while in college. I now focus on good things, but this surgery has made me sit around and highlight all that is not good with the world. My life in general. Why does surgery and not being able to do what you want do this to you? I have no interest in anything that use to make me happy. I love photography. Could care less about it now. It's Olympic time and I usually get in the pool. Can't even walk how am I suppose to get in a pool. I'm just so frustrated and sad. I've cried about everyday for the past 2 weeks. I think I'm depressed again. Why? I swear this is the worse cabin fever I've ever had. I love to read and really have no interest in reading. I love to sleep/nap. Can't sleep regular to save my life. I go in and out of periods of resting really well and then not. Last night it was 3am before I dozed off just to get up at 9am. My hip..........well it doesn't really hurt all that much anymore. It gets stiff and makes funny clicking noises when I turn to my non-operative side but that is doing okay. I'm sick of staring at this walker. I'm sick of staring at these four walls. I'm sick of being stuck around and not feeling like I can breathe! This is way worse than I could have ever imagined. I kept telling everyone and myself that if I could just make through the surgery that I could handle everything else. The surgery was a snap! I know that the Lord doesn't give us stuff we can't handle. I've talked to him a lot lately. I know what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger and I'm hoping this is the case. I would love to get some aquatic therapy. I'm going to try and start something soon. I can't keep sitting here. Last night as I walked to the bathroom I just felt this sinking sensation and felt like I couldn't breathe. This recovery isn't the easiest thing but hopefully through my prayers it'll get better!

4 comments:

abnacy said...

hey brenna,
I know there's not much I can say to make you feel better, but if you ever want to talk I'm always online :) Feel free to email if you're bored or need to vent. Your body has gone through such a traumatic thing, its not like it was a minor surgery. 2 more months to go till my PAO. All you hipwomen are such examples to me of strength! I'll be praying for you and your healing emotionally and physically. Take care!

-Acy(jennie.david@gmail.com if you want to chat)

Sam said...

Brenna,

You are definitely not alone. Just wanted to let you know that most of us go thru the post-surgery blues and we understand the feelings you must have had when you were publishing your blog yesterday. Just know that it does get better and when you start regaining some strength in your hip you will also regain some positive attitude and motivation. I wish you the best!

Lauren said...

Hi Brenna
I am hoping that you will help spread the word. Myself and another hip sister have been working hard on an article on Hip Dysplasia and it was just published yesterday. It would be great if you'd link from your blog to it! Thanks Lauren

http://health.howstuffworks.com/hip-dysplasia.htm

MrsFB said...

Brenna,

This is Bren, from the yahoo groups. SHC just posted about the Mind/Body Connection and it rang true for me - that there's an entire emotional and mental side to having major health issues like hip problems requiring surgery. And that surgery recovery is not just the physical healing that requires attention but that emotional recovery may need attention as well.

With your description of how you're feeling, I would hope that you recognize that a call to your doctor for some emotional/mental health intervention might be in order. Once your brain begins to cope with stress, it may not be fully capable of rebounding and finding a healthy balance of coping versus shutting down areas that are overloaded. The chemistry undergoes some significant changes due to stress and it's reasonable to get some help so your brain isn't trying to overcome something that's already pushed you and your brain farther from its healthy starting point.

And, do keep talking about what you're feeling as well as keeping your eyes on the goal of returning yourself to a wholeness that you've been missing.

I wish you enduring peace and comfort in physical as well as emotional ways. I'll pray for those to return to you!